People who truly knows me knew that I’ve been digging rock bands since childhood. Most kids my age at that time were digging to only one genre and that would be pop songs but the 8 year old me started digging to Nirvana, Soundgarden, Nine Inch Nails and Incubus. Though the Gemini in me could still be random asf, I did listen and went fan-girling to Nsync, Aaron Carter, Spice Girls and Backstreet Boys as well, but wasn’t really into their songs, I just wanted to look at them, maybe it’s because I found them cute and fun to look at. So odd but it was what it was.
I was in 4th grade when this revolutionary band, Linkin Park, first appeared to the public. It was during 5th grade when I started digging them and as well as the time they became a global phenomenon. There is just something about the band that made them so distinct, even if they are quite similar to Limp Bizkit. Even so, they still have a different tune but what made them far more significant is the lyrics of their songs. As a kid, I am not usually good with giving a damn about the lyrics’ meaning as I was all about the vibe of the tune, however LP’s songs got my attention and as a kid I did admit that the lyrics was somehow dark despite its catchy and alive tune. For the first time in forever, I finally gave attention to a song’s lyrics. LP’s In the End is not my personal favorite but it’s the first song that really shook me lyrically. I came to realize that song was actually singing what I’ve been feeling and fearing at that time (the chorus though) it was so spot on that I kept thinking about it for a couple of days. The realization did not bother me, but gave me a new understanding about my situation at that time. For the first time in forever, I stopped worrying, because well in the end it did not matter. I was like, nah fuck it. After several hits, I’ve been totally convinced that there’s something going on with Linkin Park’s songs. Their lyrics is telling me they’re seeing the other side of the world, the dark reality.
Now, Chester Bennington. I find him very attractive to be honest, but I could not understand his energy, it’s like its giving me mixed signals because he seems very intimidating on the outside but his eyes were screaming “I am sad, help me”, that apparently made him look a bit harmless. The songs he wrote, the tweets and interviews, it all made sense now that his eyes spoke the truth of what he really was inside. You could sense the uneasiness but then all you could feel for him was sympathy. Chester and LP, in some ways, have been a great part of my youth, and so his apparent suicide really shocked me, alongside with Chris Cornell’s. But then knowing him through his music, I then suddenly understood why he did “it”. Chester is pretty much aware of his surroundings, he feels everything so deeply. He was aware of the current state of the world. He feels the pain and is carrying it with his being. He goes to alcohol and drugs to ease the pain he’s been feeling, but little did he know that such substances could not help him get away with it because it’s his inborn gift (or a curse) and the only way to heal it is through his innate understanding and compassion. However, I do believe these substances are the pathways for faster transcendence to his subconscious and it somewhat helped him succeed in the material plane. The gift he had indeed helped heal other people’s wound (including me) through his incredible music. He was a Chiron, the wounded healer. But then, he is just a human too, he is limited. He just couldn’t keep holding on to everything. He was a ticking time bomb, dealing with all the bullshitry of the world and then BOOM! He finally got so fed up, he just exploded. It’s like time’s up, he’s out. It’s just sad that Chester thinks he’s a mess. He is not, the world is a mess and he is seeing right through it, it’s the people that does not seem to understand it, because “normal” people would never and could never understand him or people like him.
Depression is certainly not a joke. It’s never simple and far more complicated than one could think. It shouldn’t be taken too lightly. Depression is far more scarier than your visible enemy, because it is hidden. You just wouldn’t know when it will attack you. When this monster decides to strike at you, no doubt that it will make you feel helpless and powerless. It’s a powerful force that one can’t get rid of easily. Since its all inside you, it’s harder to fight back. But really, depression really kicks when you refuse to accept the truth that you’ve been seeing and having your beautiful illusion ripped apart. I must admit, idealization kills it all and this world is already falling apart with less hope and as for sensitive people like Chester and Chris, this reality is far more harder to take. As what my fellow aspiring astrologer said, not everyone is born to survive life or is born to live life, unfortunately, and it is a sad ass reality.
However, to the grounded ones, congratulations! You are living the suffering of being alive with great endurance. But always be mindful, that again, not everyone is like you. You have to know that people are born differently and that not everyone can cope up with your ways. If you happen to know someone or a loved one who is suffering from depression, please do not mock them. Don’t take their suffering too lightly. Help them and give them insights with your wisdom. If you can’t understand their suffering, at least don’t hurt them more or don’t be indifferent towards them.
And to us who have gone through this and who are still strong enough to hold on; It’s okay to feel the pain, but let us not allow this monster to eat us away. We should do something to get away with it, even for a time being. It shouldn’t be self-destructive, but instead, in a constructive way. As for me, the only way to get rid of this depression is to do what my heart desires, because I think this depression of mine stemmed from the feeling of being held back. Break that sad ass cycle and be free. I just want to cheer my pals who are experiencing it and letting you know that you are not alone. We are not alone. As for me, I will keep fighting until its time. We should know when its time. But for now, let’s move our asses and keep fighting for what we think is really right for us.